


Back to Basics

by boxparade



Series: Transformative [7]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-21 00:38:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6031800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxparade/pseuds/boxparade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve looks like a goldfish. Great. This is going so well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back to Basics

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all!
> 
> To be fair, I've got a great reason for entirely ignoring this verse, which is...that I was working on two other stories in two other fandoms. Oops.
> 
> But hey, if you like 130k Drarry stories, you're in luck maybe??? My other story is also 130k but probably no fandom anyone here has ever read.
> 
> So yeah, while I was ignoring all you lovely folks, I was writing two 130k+ stories. Sorry I'm not more sorry.
> 
> ANYWAY.
> 
> Just a quick precursor before this snippet:
> 
> No, I don't actually think Steve would take that long to say it. I like to think Danny just caught him entirely off-guard, and then things got out of hand, aaaaaand a lot of it was me writing this, having loads of fun while writing it, and prolonging the whole process because I was having so much fun.
> 
> So no, it was not meant to be insulting to Steve's character, it was actually meant to amuse me. Sorry about that.
> 
> Hopefully you'll enjoy it as much as I did, though.

“Okay, okay. Steve. Babe. Come on now. Say it with me: my vagina.”

Steve looks like a goldfish. Great. This is going so well.

Danny sighs and rubs his fingertips into his eyelids. “Okay. One more time. I’m gonna count to three, and then you’re gonna say it. Alright?” At this point, Danny is taking Steve’s silence as agreement, because the alternative is to slowly drive himself insane. “One, two, three.”

Steve makes a noise that vaguely resembles and emphysemic dolphin. Progress.

“You are a god damn Navy SEAL, Steve. I know it’s not this easy to break you. Either that or the Taliban have been overlooking some extremely underrated mental incapacitation techniques.”

Steve is still kind of staring at Danny with wide, terrified eyes, and honestly Danny’s not sure if that expression on his face is some variation on Aneurism #4, or Danny’s very first time witnessing I’m Going To Puke #1.

“Vagina, Steve. Despite what your fourth grade health class peers taught you, it is not a dirty word. It’s just a word. A noun, if you will. All I want from you is two little words and then you can go swim around the island a couple times as a reward. Two words, Steve. ‘Your’. Possessive. As in Danny’s, as in _mine._ ‘Vagina’. Noun. As in anatomy. As in _I have one_.”

This time Steve’s dolphin noise sounds vaguely like it starts with a ‘V’.

“My eleven year old daughter can do this, Steve. We have had very long, very uncomfortable conversations about Danno’s vagina which I would very much never ever like to repeat. So do not make me drag Grace here to explain this to you. Because there are very few things left in this world that may embarrass me to death, but I’m entirely certain that situation is one of them.”

Steve opens his mouth, draws in a breath, and then snaps his jaw shut like he just swallowed a bug.

“Am I gonna have to get naked? Because to be honest I was kind of hoping to save that for later. When you’re less likely to scream and run away.”

Steve frowns, and finally, _finally,_ Danny gets words out of him. “Has anyone ever screamed and run away?”

“You’d be surprised,” Danny huffs. Steve studies Danny intently, tilting his head to the side, and Danny tries not to shift uncomfortably. He’s never been all that on-board with people looking at him.

“Have you regained the power of speech?” Danny asks. “Can we try this again?”

“I don’t see the point of this,” Steve grumbles, but at least seems to be out of shell shock.

“I don’t care. Ready? My va-gi-na. Now your turn.”

Steve manages to get out “your” before stopping, bright red flush creeping up his neck and ears.

“Is this me-specific?” Danny goes off, “Can you say _‘Cath’s vagina’_? Or does this only apply to vaginas you haven’t been in?”

_“Danny!”_

“You shut up. Unless the next word out of your mouth is ‘vagina’ then I don’t wanna hear it.”

“This is so fucked up,” Steve says flatly, and a little bit like he’s in awe at exactly how fucked-up this situation is. It definitely never made Danny’s list of ‘Top Ten Painful Conversations I Am Probably Going To Have To Sit Through'.

“Tell me about it. I’ve managed to find a fully-grown adult who honest-to-God cannot say the word ‘vagina’. Imagine that.”

“I can say it!” Steve shoots back, crossing his arms over his chest and sticking his chin out, all ‘fight me, I dare you.’ Danny waves Steve off.

“Okay then. _Cath’s vagina.”_

Steve, his jaw still set in a hard lock, says “Cath’s va–um.”

Danny bursts out laughing. “Oh my God. Oh my God. I do not even have the words for this moment, babe. You are actually incapable of saying it. You’re like a seven year old trapped inside a 35-year-old’s body.”

“What the hell, Danny—”

“Oh no,” Danny catches his breath mid-guffaw, smile creeping up on his lips, “You’re not one of those people who calls it a ‘love cave’, are you?”

Steve makes a choking noise. Danny loses it.

“Fuck you, Danny, seriously,” Steve is saying, barely audible next to Danny’s gasping laughs. But this is just too good. It’s gold. Rachel would have a fucking field day with this one. “Okay, if it’s gonna make you shut up,” Steve bites out, _“Cath’s vagina._ There. Now shut the hell up.”

Danny manages to quell most of his laughter into hiccups. “One more, Steve, you can do it.”

“Danny,” Steve whines, in a voice that is, quite frankly, not something Danny ever expected to hear from a member of the military. He was under the impression whining wasn’t allowed.

Danny just turns to face Steve, hands on his hip, and waits. Steve tries to play it off for all of about two seconds before he caves, shakes himself a little bit, and says “Your vagina.”

“Good job. That was like pulling teeth from a stone, but you survived. Gold star. You’re more mature than a fifth grader.”

“Why are we talking about this?” Steve asks, leaning back into the wall like it might swallow him soon.

“Did we not just establish that running and screaming is undesirable?” Danny asks, crossing his arms and leaning back against the railing. This is a hell of a conversation to be having to be having at the foot of Steve’s stairs, but Danny wanted someone with the least amount of throwable things possible, and this was the first place that they happened to walk into.

“I’m not gonna run and scream,” Steve says, looking a little insulted. Danny doesn’t particularly care. He just really wants to avoid any running and screaming, which no matter what Steve says, is entirely different when you’re undressing in someone’s bedroom.

Danny narrows his eyes and gives Steve a once-over. “Well, now you probably won’t.”

Steve huffs. “It’s sex, Danny, it’s not that complicated.”

“Oh-ho,” Danny laughs, “oh-ho-ho, that is where you are wrong. If I learned one thing from marrying Rachel, it is that sex is the single most complicated thing in the world to humans. There are rules, and codes, and terms, so many terms. Most of them awful and uncomfortable. Rachel had terms for _everything_ and once you hear them you can’t scrub them from your brain.”

“Yes, but Danny,” Steve says, pointedly, pausing for effect. “I am not Rachel.”

“That is a point in your favor,” Danny admits, with narrowed eyes. “But Rachel was much less likely to scream and run,” Danny says, partly just to rile Steve up. So far, Steve hasn’t caught on to the fact that Danny does this. He’s hoping it stays that way. He doesn’t really have any other way to entertain himself, sometimes.

“I’m not gonna scream and run!” Steve throws his hands up. “And why?” he tacks on, his voice hard around the edges, like he might actually be a little pissed. “Why am I more likely to do that than Rachel? I thought she was a hell-beast.”

“She is,” Danny replies smoothly, “She is a hell-beast that studied transgender law. She could also say ‘vagina’ without stroking out.”

“Vagina!” Steve shouts, his ears going a little pink. “Your vagina, Cath’s vagina, Rachel’s vagin—”

“DO NOT,” Danny warns, eyes wide and hands up in a ‘please dear God stop’ gesture.

“Not Rachel,” Steve backtracks, honestly seeming a little confused with why he was just about to bring up Danny’s ex-wife’s privates. This is getting wildly out of hand. “No Rachel’s anything,” Steve fumbles. He looks up to Danny pleadingly.

Danny is barely holding back laughter.

Steve gives him the seal-pup eyes. “Can we please just get naked?”

“No.”

Steve looks downright heartbroken. Paired with the seal-pup eyes, Danny might just have a coronary. Or at least a guilty conscience.

“Boxers stay on. For now. Everything else is fair game.”

Steve grins at that, and then launches himself at Danny like a fucking cougar, pressing their mouths together in a kiss that feels a lot more like a trip to the dentist for a chipped tooth than it does as a precursor to anything sex-related.

Steve pulls away from sucking on Danny’s mouth just long enough to ask “Any chance you’re also going commando right now?”

Danny whacks him sharply on the back of the head. “You’re an animal,” he says, and then uses the same hand to drag Steve’s mouth back in for a much less bite-y kiss.


End file.
